Embarassed

I am embarassed. Embarassed by the thoughts that sprint through my mind. Surely I am not prepared for them. These thoughts sneak up on me and show me who I am. Judgemental, unkind, unfeeling, twisted. I am embarassed by these thoughts. I cannot control them, yet it allows me to see who I really am. And that it is when the embarassment is overwhelming! It is almost too embarassing to write about.

I hear these thoughts in my head and know it is me! I am the one coming up with these words of judgement! It is not a thought process as if I am reaching a conculusion, but rather a quick rattle of nastiness. I hate that I do this. I drive by and watch someone getting out of there car and the thoughts jump right out and smack me. Is this who I am? With all the work I do to not be that person, this is what sneaks in and shows my true colors? That is just shitty! I suck!

Yet if I am only aware of these thoughts when they collide into my brain (thankfully not out of my mouth... yet) how am I to change them?

Be transformed by the renewing of your mind.

John Klinepeter spoke about this at camp once and I think about it often. Can it be true? We transform our thoughts, we transform our lives? What would I be like if I could transform my mind and change my judgemental thinking? How would it change how I drive? How would it change how I blog? How would it change how I mother? How would it change my life? Not just my thought life, but my day to day physical life. Who would I be?

I think I'd like me better.

PS: Bob (in picture) is a physical representation of the thoughts creaping up on me, plus it is funny and this entry needed a little humor. :)