Sleepless

I just made the big mistake of listening/watching parts of Laurie's memorial service at 11:00 pm. I did that about an hour ago and now I can't sleep. The house is quiet. Erin is comfortably and silently sleeping. I tried to wake Curt so I could process a little, but all I got was a supportive hand sqeeze. (Not that I am complaining.)

So, I laid there in bed staring at the ceiling in a dark room. Thinking. Thinking. Thinking. Thinking of Laruie. Of Barb. Of Eve. Of Greg. Of Drew. Thinking about how truly fragile life is. I can hear Erin's binki move as she suckles back to sleep. It's a comforting sound. She's ok.

Oh, how I long to pick her up right now. Right this moment and hold her and stare at her and marvel in her innocence. I want to never let her go. Keep her safe and protect her. Protect her from colds and from hurtful words and from falling down and from bad boyfriends and from black eyes and from chicken pocks and from poor decisions and from the bully who steals milk money and from low self-esteem and even from herself, if need be. But, I know I can't. She has to live. To experience life. To make bad decisions and learn. To date the wrong guy and grow. To fall down and figure out how to get back up. Nope, I have to let Erin be Erin. I can't hold her forever, although sometimes I think I would like to.

I love her more than I have ever loved anything in my life. My love for her exceeds any emotion I have ever experienced. It makes me feel so vulnerable. What if???? What if????

Barb, I cannot imagine your pain. I am so, so sorry. My words are futile.

I did not know Laurie like some of you did. The depth of my friendship with Laurie did not delve as deeply as some of you. But I miss her. I miss knowing she is on this planet making a difference. I miss that I will never again hear her say, "EMMMILLLLYYYYY BELLLLLLLLLL!" Laruie had a child like innocence about her. It was in her smile. I miss that too.

So I guess I will have to go to sleep for now and let Erin sleep too until she calls for me. Can you imagine the kind of agony God must go through watching his children run their lives of free will?? No wonder He is the God who never sleeps. Maybe I should call on God tomorrow more often then I did today. I think we'd both appreciate it.

Ode To Erin

I know this is ridiculous, but I just looked through a whole bunch of pictures of Erin and I have to share them with you. Sorry if this is overly "look at my kid." Despite that fact try to enjoy.

Small Group

Well, I did it. I have officialy joined a women's small group. My emotions are torn. I am excited that I have finally taken this step and yet it opens all the old wounds up again. I am different now. Will they accept who I am? This group will never compare to my girls in IL. The way I miss those girls is overwhelming. I can't describe it. I long to be communing with them once again. It's not right. It's not fair.

Well, I did it. Hooray?









Erin clapping for me.