The Nitty Gritty

More Pics

2007-04-15T21:40:00.000-07:00

Yes, this one was set up by Curt, as "I'm the king of the world!"

So much fun!

Shelby

2007-04-15T19:50:00.000-07:00

Here are a few pictures of our newest family member, Shelby. Shelby Eleanor GT 500.

New Pics

2007-04-05T19:48:00.000-07:00

Heavy

2007-03-20T04:50:00.000-07:00

I am so heavy right now. Heavy with worry and thought. Is Erin ok? Is she autisitic? Why does she have speech and coginitive delays? Why and then why? Heavy with frustration. Heavy. I don't think I like this heavy thing. I am ready to be light for a little while.

Our Kids

2007-01-06T14:37:00.000-08:00

He might be a little upset about this one in the future. I think it is screaming to go in his senior yearbook, don't you?

Curt Is Back

2007-01-02T21:34:00.000-08:00

Just wanted to let you know that Curt is making another for run for it on his blog so check it out here.

The Fam

2006-12-03T20:02:00.000-08:00

I can't believe it! Only three years ago I was SURE I would never be able to get pregnant. Thank you Lord. We are so very blessed.

Thanks to Kirby for taking the picture and doing a lot of photo shop editing to ummm... "enhance" our beauty. :)

Ian and Aksel

2006-11-28T13:30:00.000-08:00

This is a picture of Ian and his good friend Aksel. (They don't know they are good friends yet, but it is pretty much a sure thing.) Aksel was born one week before Ian and I am sure with as much time as they will be spending together they will not only have fun together, but probably get into some trouble together too!

By the way... could Ian have more of a double chin? I LOVE it!

More Rocco

2006-11-20T12:33:00.000-08:00

Ian

2006-11-04T13:02:00.000-08:00

Well, once again I have to apologize for my lack of posting. I could come up with lots of good excuses, but I will just say sorry.

Ian is huge! We think he is somewhere in the 15 lbs range at 7 weeks old. He is sleeping great! Thank you God!!!! So far he seems to be a VERY mellow baby. Only cries when he is hungry and smiles a lot. Here is the latest picture. Hope everyone is well.

2 Weeks Tomorrow

2006-09-26T17:01:00.000-07:00

Ian is officially one week tomorrow! He is doing great. Already 10 lbs., he is not missing any meals, but has allowed us the previlage of decent sleep. What a good baby! Everyone says he looks just like Curt, but what is new?

Since I didn't write much about the delivery, here are the basics. It was MUCH faster than Erin's. Got the hospital at 4:00 am and had him at 8:37 am. Pushed for a total of 10 minutes, much better than Erin's 1 hour 45 minutes pushing marathon.

All n' all everything is great. We feel very complete with Ian as part of the family.

Oh, by the way, the belly picture is for Vivian.

Ian Rocco

2006-09-20T20:32:00.000-07:00

Quick post here. Ian Rocco was born September 13th at 8:30 am. He weighed in at 9 lbs 1 oz. and is 23 inches long. He is doing very well and allowing us a decent amount of sleep. Life is busy so I can't write much so there are the basics.

Still Pregnant

2006-09-12T05:02:00.000-07:00

Well, the due date has come and gone and I am still pregnant. Hopefully the little man will decide to come visit us sometime soon. There comes a point when you are pregnant when all rationale runs out the door. My thoughts make no sense at all. For instance:

I am going to be the first woman on earth who is pregnant forever.
When the phone rings I think, maybe this is someone telling me I am going to go into labor.
I hate the doctor for not inducing me. I hate the doctor for not inducing me!
Can I just sleep until he is ready to come out?
If I push on my belly can I make my water break?

I know I am so blessed to be pregnant at all, but I am so ready for this part to be over! Pray for pain all, pray for pain!

Erin Is Two!

2006-09-10T05:17:00.000-07:00

We celebrated Erin's 2nd birthday Wednesday. What an amazing two years. I have learned so much. To think I get to do it all over again... wow!

New Pictures

2006-08-17T18:13:00.000-07:00

I don't have anything deep to say these days. Sorry, but here are some recent pictures of Erin.

Sorry

2006-08-15T14:22:00.000-07:00

Well, sorry it has been soooo long since I have blogged. I am now 4 weeks away from having baby number 2! Holy cow! Erin is getting big, almost 2 now, and has lots of sass to her. Curt looked at me and said the other day, "This is a fun developmental age."

So, in case you didn't know we are having a little boy. His name will be Ian Rocco Bell. Yes, Rocco. I know some of you are shaking your heads, but we love it. I guess we should get ready for child number two having some sass too, huh?

Curt is still looking for a job. He has two good leads right now, so all we can do it wait and pray. I will try to get a picture of my belly on here soon. It is funny. Hope you are all well. And I will let you know when Ian shows up!

I leave you with this photo I call, Determination. (It is Curt's parents dogs. Corky in the foreground and Jack in the background.)

Curtis Graduated!!!!

2006-05-12T21:58:00.000-07:00

Well, the day is finally here!! Saturday Curtis graduated from College!! BS in Management and Commincation with an emphasis in Business Administration. And yes, I have to brag for a moment... he did it with honors!! As soon as I have a picture I will post it. It was a great day and an awesome accomplishment for Curt! Yeah! I am so proud.

Mikey Update

2006-04-26T18:06:00.000-07:00

Thank you to all you have already encouraged Mikey. He called me today and is deeply touched by the messages that were left. Thank you, thank you, thank you and if I could ask you to please continue to comment that would be great.

UPDATE... I will give you the short version. Mikey's surgery got posponed due to an illness he is currently experiencing. A little later that day Mikey received a phone call from the surgeon who had just talked with some other doctors and they don't think it is a tumor!!!! Hooray!!! Praise God!

They think what they see is actually a tangled mass of blood vessels in the spinal chord. He still has to have surgery and of course it is still risky... BUT..., this means that it is for sure not cancerous and the urgency to have surgery is not as great.

Just wanted to update you, but please continue to comment. Mikey has really been touched. He doesn't understand how people that don't even know him can encourage him so much. Thank you so much.

Comments Needed

2006-04-24T20:40:00.000-07:00

This is our friend Mikey. Mikey has been around for all the major events in Curt and my lives. He was the first friend of Curt's I met. He stood in our wedding. He helped us move to Illinois. He helped us move back to Oregon. He was there when we found out we were pregnant with Erin. He has always been a great friend and a steady force in our lives.

It is now time for us to be there for Mikey. Thursday Mikey goes in for major surgery on his back. He has a tumor in, yes in, his spinal chord. He will go in for surgery where hopefully they can remove the whole tumor. The doctors don't know for sure until they are in there and can see with there own eyes what the tumor is doing.

So, I am asking for your help. I would like to encourage Mikey before his surgery and am asking you to write him a little note or a prayer he could read in the comment section. (He tells me he reads this blog.) It doesn't matter if you know him or not, I KNOW he would love the support.

I will update soon with how the surgery went. In the mean time thank you for your comments.

Ultra Sound

2006-04-20T20:07:00.000-07:00

Well, we had our 20 week ultra sound. It was so amazing. The baby is healthy and everything looked great. And wanted you all to know... it's a BOY!! He was not at all shy about showing off his boyhood...hmmm, who could that be like? Hope everyone out there is well. If I could scan in a picture I would, but our scanner kicked it.

HOPE Friday

2006-04-14T14:51:00.000-07:00

I work at a Radio station called HOPE Radio. There was a decision made to not play any commercials, sponsorships, weather, news etc. today. Because it is Good Friday. Or as my new employer called it on the radio today HOPE Friday. They wanted to give people a chance to focus on the music and to challenge as to what this day meant to them.

So, not having taken a challenge in a LONG time, I decided what the hay... I will reflect. And so I read the story of the crucifixtion stopping before the resurrection since that doesn't happen for a couple of days. I focused on Christ's death.

What I came up with. Someone died for me. What would I do if I were a friend of Jack Bauers (I had to think of someone willing to do this and really cool) and he gave up his life for me? On purpose. So I could live. I think I would feel compelled to live life to the fullest. Someone gave their own life for mine. Aren't I obligated to now live this life BIG?!

This made me think of one of my favorite quotes. So here it is.

"And I want my everyday to make God bellylaugh. Glad that he gave life to someone who knows the difference between life and half-life."--Shauna Neiquist

That sums it up for me. That is what I want to do. That is what I came up with on this HOPE Friday.

My Newest Favorites

2006-03-23T22:30:00.000-08:00

Overwhelmed

2006-03-20T22:18:00.000-08:00

This is the word I used most often right now. I have found myself crying at least once a day for about the last week. Ahhhh, when does it end? One thing after the next.

But, I know things will change. Life WILL settle down again... someday. When will that day be again?

I had to have a root canal. It doesn't seem to be taking at this point. I am in more pain now than before the "procedure." It now looks like I am going to lose the tooth.

So many good things, but so overwhelming.

God please come take over and let me take a nap.

Friends

2006-03-05T17:03:00.000-08:00

I miss my friends in Chicago. I miss them deeply and fiercly. But, I am finally building new strong friendships here in Oregon and I am so thankful. Thank you God for friendships. They bring me so much closer to you.

Today

2006-03-02T21:53:00.000-08:00

Today was a busy day. Today was the day we signed ALL of those papers you sign when you are buying a home. Today I learned that every time you sign your name on a mortgage document you put a date by it. Today is 03-02-06. I wrote that date over 25 times today. Why out of 365 days did I have to sign today. I was reminded of what this date meant over and over and over again. With every page we turned there was another date to write. And with every date I thought of Laurie. Laurie and her red coat. Laurie and her infectious smile. Laurie yelling my name through the Willow halls. Laurie and the funny videos I laughed and cried at at her memorial service. Laurie and the terrible choice she made on this date a year ago. Laurie, Laurie, Laurie. We miss you so much.

I wanted to do a balloon launch in memory of Laurie and ALL the wonderful chocies she did make.

At first I wanted to find an image of a single red balloon for Laurie. I guess it was that coat still holding on. But, as I scanned through shots I found lots brightly colored hot air balloon pictures. I thought, well, why not? Laurie was like that. Brightly colored and full of life that lifted people up. So here it is... my very own balloon launch.

Photo from Publitek, Inc. Waukesha, WI

Here is the card I am "attaching" to my Laurie balloon. Lord, bring it to whoever needs it.

Laurie was my friend.
Laurie was vivacious and fun.
Laurie wore a red coat.
Laurie had beautiful hair.
Laurie made me laugh.
Laurie was intelligent.
Laurie was kind and tender.
Laurie loved the Lord deeply.
Laurie loved people deeply.
Laurie was drepressed and chose not to share that with anyone.
Laurie took her own life one year ago.
Laurie is so dearly missed it cannot be described in words.
Laurie's decision has effected thousands of people.
I can't wait to see my friend Laurie again!
I miss you Laurie... BONCIMMMMIIINNNNO!

If you feel like Laurie please, please share that with someone! Anyone! God IS listening. Don't get stuck in this moment. IT WILL PASS. THERE IS HOPE.

If you would like help click here.

2006-03-01T09:03:00.000-08:00

Life and BFL Updates

2006-02-25T21:44:00.000-08:00

Well, so where the heck have I gone to, right? Well, that is a very good question. Let me start by saying I am so sorry it has been soooooo long. There has been a lot going on in life, and I mean a lot. Here we go...

Curtis graduates in May!
He has been applying with the Corvallis Police Department.
He recently received the, "Thanks for your interest, but we are not interested letter."
It is actually really good news. In a lot of ways a big relief for both of us.
I was offered a job. (20 hours a week from home working as an admin. assist. for a local christian radio station.)
I took the job. :)
I am now famous because I have recorded 3 commercials! Very fun.
After interviewing for the job, but before I found out if I got it I found out I was pregnant.
Yes, pregnant.
We were shocked. In a REALLY good way, but shocked none the less.
We started to looking for homes.
We found a home.
We made an offer.
It was accepted.
We are now dealing with all the "get a home" money crap you have to deal with.
Uh, yes, pregnant.
I am now 12 weeks along.
Needless to say, I have not stuck with Body for Life.
Though, I am proud to say I haven't gained any weight... yet.
I wanted to wait till we heard the heartbeat before I posted, so sorry for the long departure.
The due date of this baby is one day after Erin's due date. So, two years apart.
Life is good.

We are so excited for all the blessings we are experiencing. It has been a whirlwind to say the least. I can't wait to see what this year holds. It was just my birthday and I have always said my 33rd year would be my best... looks like it is turning out that way.

And oh, one more thing. I have finally started watching 24. I am now an addict.

BFL Update

2006-01-04T16:02:00.000-08:00

Well, we are officially in week 2 of BFL. I wanted to give an update at to how things are going. Here are the highlights and the downfalls so far.

Things that are going well:

I have worked out just like I should and I love it. I don't love cardio, but I have been getting it done.
I dropped 3 pounds this week. I am sure part of that is water weight. I weighed just after I sweated doing cardio.
I definitley feel better when I eat right.
I ate great on free day. Bacon, eggs, hashbrowns, ice cream, pizza... it was awesome! (I paid for it later, but it was fun while it lasted.)
I finally figured out how to get a good calf work out!!
All n' all I feel good.

Things that are not going so well:

I am not eating enough meals. I am supposed to eat 6 small meals a day, but I alway end up eating more like 4. It is actually hard to eat that often. I need to work on this.
I am also not drinking enough water. Another thing to work on.
I have been bad about taking my thyroid pills. I have a low thyroid and I REALLY need to take them. But, honestly, I forget to take them... or I can't remember if I did or not.
I know I am not pushing myself as hard as I should on cardio. I also know I am making excuses for it. I won't go into them here.

So, that is about it. I am going to work on those four things and will check back in next week and let you know how I did. Thank you again for keeping me accountable. Please feel free to ask me about the things that are not going so well.

Oh and lets hope 2006 is a hell of a lot better than 2005!

Curt and Kirby with a Rooster this summer. I know it doesn't make sense.

Happy F'ing New Year

2005-12-31T23:14:00.000-08:00

Not such a good way to start off. My inlaws dog, Jack, got run over by a car tonight and died. We are all devestated. He was an awesome dog. Big black lab that was kind of a goob, but sooo sweet. We assume Brodie was there to meet him and they are off running amuck now, like they used to do. We will miss you Jack.

The Stats

2005-12-20T12:23:00.000-08:00

Height: 6'0''

Weight: 170

BMI: 23

Body Fat Percentage: 24.5

Measurments:

Chest: 38"
Bicep: 12"
Waist: 33"
Hips: 43"
Quad: 21"
Calves: 14"

Resting Heart Rate: 60

Cholesterol: (Results not in yet.)

Blood Pressure: (Need to go the ol' grocery store and use the free one.)

Right now most of my clothes are a little on the tight side. I am anxious to feel comfortable in them. And as far as my energy level goes... well, I am tired. Almost always.

We started this week. The day after Christmas. So far it has gone really well. I feel really good about working out, though I am really sore. And the eating right really makes a difference in how I feel especially at the end of the night.

Getting Started

2005-12-19T10:44:00.000-08:00

Well, that does it then. I am going to start being healthy and posting my results here. I thought I would lay out a format first.

Curt and I will be starting Body for Life (BFL) today. It is basically an eat right and exercise routine, but it is pretty strict. BUT, one day a week you get a free day. Eat anything you want and don't work out!! That is what I love. We will do this for 12 weeks and see where we are.

Body for Life Eating
6 small meals a day. Each one lowfat and consiting of equal parts protein and carbs. Add vegetables to 3 of those meals and drink at least 8 glasses of water a day.

Body for Life Workout
Workout 6 days a week. Alternate cardio workout and weight lifting. Cardio is 20 minutes long, but a very intense 20 minutes. Weight lifting takes about 45 minutes and you alternate upper and lower body. There are a lot of details about the workout, but there is no need to go into it here.

How I will measure the results
My next post will have most of the beginning data on it. (I have an appointment to get a cholesterol screen, but I can't get in till Friday.) Here is what I will measure once a month for the next 3 months.

Weight
BMI (Body mass index)
Percentage of body fat
Resting heart rate
Cholesterol
Measurements: Chest, biceps, waist, hips, quads, calves
How my clothes fit, in general
General energy level

I will be posting a few pictures, but not in a binki or anything. (HELL NO!) Jeans and a t-shirt friend. But hopefully by the end of the 12 weeks those jeans and t-shirt will be too big!

If you can think of anything I have missed please let me know. And thank you for helping me out! Oh by the way, Curt will be doing this as well and wants to post his results here. I suggested he use his own blog, but he said he wouldn't update it. (He's right.) So, you'll get Curt's info too. Thanks again!!

The Vote Is Yours

2005-12-14T11:53:00.000-08:00

I watched the season finale to the Biggest Loser and I, like many others, was amazed at what the people on this show accomplished! Hunderds of pounds lost, energy gained, people's lives changed. Why can't we all just do that? Eat right... exercise. Seems simple. But, we all know it is not.

But these people did it.

But, oh yes, they also have the accountabilty of a nation. Watching them and waiting for an incredible outcome. Which they did not fall short on. So, it got me thinking. If I had that much accountability about what I ate, how I exercised, what my current weight is, what I would like to weigh... I could do it too. I mean, this is how weight watchers does it. Accountability, accountability, accountability. But, I can't afford to pay for accountability.

How could I accomplish such a thing?

Hmmm... oh yeah, my blog. Instant accountability. So, I need your input. Should I put myself out there: weight, measurments, BMI, body fat, the whole nine and use all of you (sorry but true) to help me in my endeavor to be healthier? Would it be embarassing? YES. Would it work? I think so.

So, the vote is up to you.

1 Year Ago Today

2005-12-09T11:03:00.000-08:00

One year ago today we lost our Brodie boy to cancer, and today I miss him terribly. We had him creamated and sprinkled him in the river near our home that he loved to play in. I know he would have been great with Erin and it makes me sad that she will only know him through pictures.

Today she saw a picture of him in the bathroom and exclaimed, "Puppy!" Yes, that is a puppy. That is our puppy, always.

An ode to Brodie for being the coolest dog ever.

The Dog Won't Stop Peeing

2005-12-01T14:30:00.000-08:00

Yes, it is true. I need to vent. Our freakin' dog won't, or should I say can't, stop peeing in her sleep. Apparently the muscles surrounding her bladder are weak, which cause her to pee when she gets really relaxed. You have no idea how much "pee pee" laundry I have done.

Side note: She actually projectile pee'd on April Diaz when Brian Diaz tried to move her so her "vag" area was not pointed toward him. We all got a BIG laugh out of it.

So, she is on some supplement to build up the muscles in her bladder, which is a total mystery to me. I asked how it worked, but no one had an answer for me. All I know is, if there a pill out there that builds muscle, why haven't they created it for humans? And can I get some?

Until next time, I'll be doing laundry... still.

Eve Marie

2005-11-15T15:15:00.000-08:00

My friend Eve is:

generous
caring
funny
insightful
loving
gracious
"so giving"
challenging (in a good way)
grounded in Christ
thoughtful in her actions
thoughtful in her speech
quirky

I am beyond lucky to call someone like Eve my friend. I am blessed. My friend Eve is so many things. More than I could write here.

If you know Eve please comment a few words about who you know her to be.

Money

2005-11-14T10:28:00.000-08:00

I often dream of what it would be like to be a trust fund baby. It would be nice, wouldn't it? I could fly to visit friends without consideration about how much the ticket would be and could we afford it. In fact, I could fly first class. Actually, I could fly in my own jet.

(Give me a moment to ponder that. .... Ahhh.)

I could buy a house. I could not worry about working EVER again! I could fly my friends here. I could make lavish meals. I could eat out and have lavish meals. I could fund my friends dreams. I could pay all the bills with no fear of what that would do the ol' checking account. I could, I could, I could.

But, here is what I already have, even without having the trust fund.

A husband whom I love deeply and share a tremendous friendship with.
A beautiful, healthy daughter.
Friends in abundance who challenge me, who I can laugh with and who know me.
A cool place to live. Small? Yes, but cool.
A growing friendship with Christ.
Hope.

I am really not sure I need too much more. Life is good. Thanks God. Thank you so much! (Not that I would turn down a trust fund if someone offered it. I'm not at all above that. What? What was that? Did someone just offer up some lottery winnings? Oh, no? You didn't win either. Well, maybe next time.)

What do you have, sans the trust fund, that you are happy to have?

(The picture, uh, yeah, it doesn't really fit with the post. I just liked it and it makes me laugh.) Actually, I think I can tie this together. A quote from David Brent: "Money don't make my world go 'round. I'm reaching out for a higher ground. To a warm and peaceful place. I, I, I, I can rest my weary (forgot the word here. Sorry.)

For Drew

2005-10-26T10:59:00.000-07:00

This post goes out to Fancy Pants Drew Brown:

Lets all go to the farm and see our animal friends.
Lets all go to the farm and see our animal friends.
Vominos! (Vominos!)
Lets go, lets go, lets go!
Vominos! (Vominos!)
Lets go, lets go, lets go!

I hope this little ditty sticks with you all day Drew!

20 Random Things

2005-10-24T22:01:00.000-07:00

Here goes:

I suck at any kind of geography.
I love the smell of gasoline.
I have really high arches in my feet.
I hate turning off the light at night and going to bed, even though I love to sleep.
I don't clip my finger nails, I bite and peel them.
When I was a child I was featured in color on the front page of the newspaper wearing an orange sheep dog shirt and purple cords. (I dressed myself that day.)
I used to get mistaken for a boy ALL the time!
My brother taught me how to kick guys in the balls. That was all well and good until I used it on him.
Certain things make my teeth feel numb. (ie: Fish that you can see through.)
I tend to kill plants... often.
I know how to give a shot.
I used to rock climb natural rock.
My name was almost Cami.
I audition for American Idol in the shower all the time.
I was often sick as a child.
I only like to read fiction suspense novels.
Curt and I danced to You've Got A Friend In Me from Toy Story for our first dance at our wedding.
I spend lots of time curling my eyelashes.
I absolutley LOVE to laugh!
I am figuring who God is and how we fit together again. And I am really happy about that.

Memories

2005-10-22T19:13:00.000-07:00

I remembered something.
Something I had forgetten about long ago.
But there it was.
Wow.
New insight.

I won't.
I promise.
Believe.
I will.

Glad I remembered.

More Than A Toy

2005-10-17T14:28:00.000-07:00

Last night on my way to bed I tripped over a toy. At first I was pissed, 'cause it kinda hurt, but then I realized what it was, a child's toy... my child's toy... I am so blessed.

Steve William's sister, Ally, took this picture. I just love it!

Tagged

2005-10-10T21:53:00.000-07:00

OK, so I am really new to the blogger world. Apparently there is this cyber tag thing and I have been tagged so here goes...

THE RULES: List five songs that you are currently loving. It doesn't matter what genre they are from, whether they have words, or even if they're any good, but they must be songs you're really enjoying right now. Post these instructions, the artists, and the songs in your blog. Then tag five other friends to see what they're listening to.

"Daughters"--John Mayer
"Just Breathe"--Anna Nalick
"I Just Called To Say I Love You"--Stevie Wonder
"Spare An Angel"--Chris Rice
"Grover's Little Ragtime Band"--Grover

OK, onto the tagging...

Evie
Mark Oliver
Jackie
Kathy
John Day-Harsh ;)

Uh, yeah, I'd do the little link think, but I don't know how. Help anyone? Thanks.

I look forward to reading your posts!

The Basics

2005-10-02T22:36:00.000-07:00

Not really sure what to write about, but it has been a little while, so I figured I should. Here are the basics of what's going in my/our world.

As you can see from the picture Erin got a hold of my mocha while I was checking e-mail. She got REALLY upset when I took it away.
Curtis only has 8 more months of school left!
Still trying to sell the Explorer.
Watched an amzaingly funny British show called, "Little Brittian." If you have the means I highly recommend picking one up. Best Buy.
Watched Crash... What can I say, Wow!
Watched Crash for a second time. Uh... yeah, Wow!
Considered whether to finally break down and send out Christmas cards this year.
Decided that if I do the above I'll have to keep doing it year after year after year. AND I'd have to buy a butt load of stamps!
I think I've decided not to do Christmas cards.
Erin slept through the night!!! Hooray!!!
My small group is surprisingly (sp?), well, great! I am learning lots and getting the chance to open up again. It's good.
I feel settled. I like my life. Life is good.
Thanks God.
And oh yeah... Got REALLY frustrated with these freaking bullet points!!

Sleepless

2005-09-19T23:36:00.000-07:00

I just made the big mistake of listening/watching parts of Laurie's memorial service at 11:00 pm. I did that about an hour ago and now I can't sleep. The house is quiet. Erin is comfortably and silently sleeping. I tried to wake Curt so I could process a little, but all I got was a supportive hand sqeeze. (Not that I am complaining.)

So, I laid there in bed staring at the ceiling in a dark room. Thinking. Thinking. Thinking. Thinking of Laruie. Of Barb. Of Eve. Of Greg. Of Drew. Thinking about how truly fragile life is. I can hear Erin's binki move as she suckles back to sleep. It's a comforting sound. She's ok.

Oh, how I long to pick her up right now. Right this moment and hold her and stare at her and marvel in her innocence. I want to never let her go. Keep her safe and protect her. Protect her from colds and from hurtful words and from falling down and from bad boyfriends and from black eyes and from chicken pocks and from poor decisions and from the bully who steals milk money and from low self-esteem and even from herself, if need be. But, I know I can't. She has to live. To experience life. To make bad decisions and learn. To date the wrong guy and grow. To fall down and figure out how to get back up. Nope, I have to let Erin be Erin. I can't hold her forever, although sometimes I think I would like to.

I love her more than I have ever loved anything in my life. My love for her exceeds any emotion I have ever experienced. It makes me feel so vulnerable. What if???? What if????

Barb, I cannot imagine your pain. I am so, so sorry. My words are futile.

I did not know Laurie like some of you did. The depth of my friendship with Laurie did not delve as deeply as some of you. But I miss her. I miss knowing she is on this planet making a difference. I miss that I will never again hear her say, "EMMMILLLLYYYYY BELLLLLLLLLL!" Laruie had a child like innocence about her. It was in her smile. I miss that too.

So I guess I will have to go to sleep for now and let Erin sleep too until she calls for me. Can you imagine the kind of agony God must go through watching his children run their lives of free will?? No wonder He is the God who never sleeps. Maybe I should call on God tomorrow more often then I did today. I think we'd both appreciate it.

Ode To Erin

2005-09-14T15:16:00.000-07:00

I know this is ridiculous, but I just looked through a whole bunch of pictures of Erin and I have to share them with you. Sorry if this is overly "look at my kid." Despite that fact try to enjoy.

Small Group

2005-09-01T15:59:00.000-07:00

Well, I did it. I have officialy joined a women's small group. My emotions are torn. I am excited that I have finally taken this step and yet it opens all the old wounds up again. I am different now. Will they accept who I am? This group will never compare to my girls in IL. The way I miss those girls is overwhelming. I can't describe it. I long to be communing with them once again. It's not right. It's not fair.

Well, I did it. Hooray?

Erin clapping for me.

Movie Quote Answers

2005-08-24T13:48:00.000-07:00

Well, Drew inspired me to write the answers to the movie quote trivia. Here ya go.

"10 YEARS! 10 YEARS! 10 YEARS!!"--Grosse Point Blank
"The man up and vanshined like a fart in the wind."--The Shawshank Redemption
"Damn it's cold up here. They keep these Ferraris refrigerated, you know black people don't like cold weather. We're tropical people."--Gone in 60 seconds
"I'm your new friend Sam."--Garden State
"I look at you and I see two men. The man you are and the man you ought to be. Someday those two will meet. Should make for one hell of a football player!"--The Replacements
"Fat guy in a little coat."--Tommy Boy
"Just easing the tension baby." --"Well go ease it on someone else."--Happy Gilmore
"We are men of action, lies do not become us."--Princess Bride
"I'm your Huckleberry."--Tombstone
Amber: "Whats that mom used to always say?" Loretta: "Once a carn-ie, always a carn-ie"--Drop Dead Gorgeous

Great job everyone, but I must say, MOS you rocked it! Well done!

Where We've Been

2005-08-24T10:23:00.000-07:00

Curt and Erin after swimming
Our veiw at the river
Happy Erin
Cool rock thing I made
Curt and Erin at the river

Sorry it has been awhile since I posted. We were on vacation. Here are a few pictures for y'all to check out.

Movie Quotes

2005-08-11T13:45:00.000-07:00

Something for fun. Can you name the movie these quotes are from?

"10 YEARS! 10 YEARS! 10 YEARS!!"
"The man up and vanshined like a fart in the wind."
"Damn it's cold up here. They keep these Ferraris refrigerated, you know black people don't like cold weather. We're tropical people."
"I'm your new friend Sam."
"I look at you and I see two men. The man you are and the man you ought to be. Someday those two will meet. Should make for one hell of a football player!"
"Fat guy in a little coat."
"Just easing the tension baby." --"Well go ease it on someone else."
"We are men of action, lies do not become us."
"I'm your Huckleberry."
Amber: "Whats that mom used to always say?" Loretta: "Once a carn-ie, always a carn-ie"

Enjoy!!

Embarassed

2005-08-11T06:49:00.000-07:00

I am embarassed. Embarassed by the thoughts that sprint through my mind. Surely I am not prepared for them. These thoughts sneak up on me and show me who I am. Judgemental, unkind, unfeeling, twisted. I am embarassed by these thoughts. I cannot control them, yet it allows me to see who I really am. And that it is when the embarassment is overwhelming! It is almost too embarassing to write about.

I hear these thoughts in my head and know it is me! I am the one coming up with these words of judgement! It is not a thought process as if I am reaching a conculusion, but rather a quick rattle of nastiness. I hate that I do this. I drive by and watch someone getting out of there car and the thoughts jump right out and smack me. Is this who I am? With all the work I do to not be that person, this is what sneaks in and shows my true colors? That is just shitty! I suck!

Yet if I am only aware of these thoughts when they collide into my brain (thankfully not out of my mouth... yet) how am I to change them?

Be transformed by the renewing of your mind.

John Klinepeter spoke about this at camp once and I think about it often. Can it be true? We transform our thoughts, we transform our lives? What would I be like if I could transform my mind and change my judgemental thinking? How would it change how I drive? How would it change how I blog? How would it change how I mother? How would it change my life? Not just my thought life, but my day to day physical life. Who would I be?

I think I'd like me better.

PS: Bob (in picture) is a physical representation of the thoughts creaping up on me, plus it is funny and this entry needed a little humor. :)

Never Ending

2005-08-04T14:46:00.000-07:00

I had found eternity this side of heaven.

Brooke and Laurie

2005-08-03T15:14:00.000-07:00

As some of you may know there was a girl in our town who disappeared over a year ago. Her name was Brooke Wilberger. Yesterday an arrest was made in her now murder, kidnapping case. No details at this point as to why they made the arrest. I worked with Brooke's brother-in-law at the time and went to him for advice when Laurie first went missing. He was helpful and empathetic.

Although I am relieved for the family that there may be some closure around the corner I am also burdened. Burdened for what she may have gone through. Burdened by the memories it brings back of Laurie and that week. The world can be such a F'd up place. It's not right.

From what I understand Brooke was similar to Laurie in many ways. Kind, focused, life giving, full of joy! Why? I just don't get it. I don't think I ever will.

Daily Remarkable Drama

2005-07-30T19:36:00.000-07:00

My mom says life is daily. And I guess she is right. As I was rocking Erin to sleep I thought, today was a good day. Nothing remarkable happened. I didn't win the lottery. There were no major dramas. We didn't sell the Explorer. It was just a good day. A good solid day.

But, if you change your perspective even just a little you realize that daily days are remarkable days. For instance, I rocked Erin to sleep tonight. That in and of itself is remarkable! Daily yes, but remarkable as well. Erin is alive and thriving and I have the previlage of watching the daily drama of her life. Crawling, crying, smiling, babbling, standing, walking... I have a daughter...

REMARKABLE!

I am thankful for daily days in so many ways. I know people who thrive on drama in their lives and I am glad that is not me. I like the kind of drama I have in my life. I like that life is daily. Daily and remarkable at the same time.

Today

2005-07-29T13:32:00.000-07:00

Some things I did today.

Woke up and begged Curt to get up with Erin so I wouldn't have to. It didn't work.
Drank coffee. Thank God for coffee. Yes, I am an addict.
I can't afford to feed myself, but I can always afford a cup of coffee. I'd say my priorities are a little out of whack.
Thought about the lyrics to Usher's "Yeah." Um, yeah, dirty, but I really like the song. "Little John's got the beat to make your booty go...**whack**"
Considered putting the laundry away and then made up an excuse as to why I couldn't. Today it was because Erin was asleep.
Why is putting the laundry away so frickin' difficult to do, but folding it isn't that bad???
Day dreamed about winning the lottery.
Decided that every blog from now on needs to have a picture. I like pictures.

On that note. Here is today's picture. I wanted something to make you laugh and I think this should do it. Our good friend Mikey road tripped with Curtis twice. Once from Oregon to Chicago. Once from Chicago to Oregon. Needless to say the trips were challenging. On the first one the "cabrio-gay" broke down and they had to drive in September with the heater on high the whole way. Anyway, he did this on photoshop and we think it is absolutely hilarious! Hope you enjoy!

E. Hope

2005-07-26T20:25:00.000-07:00

I have considered writing about a number of different topics on this blog. I ponder these subjects during the day between napping, eating and duecing. (I like this word better than popping.) Sorry..., so I think of all these deep subjects, but then the end of the day comes and I finally have time to write and I completely forget what those things were. Am I losing my mind? Have I lost my depth? I don't want to lose my depth. Wait..., did I ever have depth?

Can all I write about is Erin? Maybe the answer is yes. She fills my day. All of it. And she breathes life into me. She reminds me of hope and what it is to want something so badly it hurts. I mean really hurts. I still cry when I even for moment stop to digest the FACT that she is my daughter! I have a daughter! Truly hope is alive and lives in her very life.

I read a note to Erin from my best friend today. It made me cry... again. (Crap, how many times is that now...a bakers dozen? You'd think I could buck up a little.) I can't wait to read these notes to Erin from those who love us and her. I long for it. I hope for it.

Hope is a funny thing. Hard to describe, yet when you feel it you are intimate with it. You know it completely and it knows you back. Yet then it can disappear so quickly. How is that possible? I am so thankful I have a physical representation of hope. If hope seems distant right now... hold on. It will show itself again. Really, it will. Don't get stuck in this moment. The next one could be, will be great!

Thanks God for hope.

Erin and Puking

2005-07-25T07:53:00.001-07:00

Well, Curt and I had the joy of dealing with the parentlal duty of puke. Puke on the carpet, on the couch pillows, on pj's, on us. The whole 9. Poor thing just couldn't stop. The doctor says we are in the middle of a flu epidemic. Oh joy!

Wish I had something more insightful to share, but all that is really going on here is puke. I could come up with some deep and spiritual medaphore, but that just wouldn't be me right now, so I won't.

This picture was taken when Erin was well, but she looks a little sick in it, so that is why you get to see it. The one or two of you (Eve, Jackie) who read this.

Em

2005-07-25T07:53:00.000-07:00

Random

2005-07-24T08:48:00.000-07:00

Just a few obeservations and thoughts...

I saw Hootie and the Blowfish on Sesame Street today. No, I am not kidding. They were singing aobut crossing the street... "Hold my hand..."
I guess it is better than the Burger King commercial they did.
Did you know that when you have a kid you actually have to schedule time to take a duece? Really, it is true.
I love coffee so much.
Dreamed of, Dreampt of (how do you spell that?) anyway had a dream about Brodie. It made me sad.
Les Miserables is the most incredible story ever! 24601. It is a story of grace and it moves me everytime I think of it or listen to the sound track. (Which by the way Curtis despises.)

That is about it. I know I have more to say, I've thought about it prior to writing this, but at this moment all thought eludes me. I need a nap and so I am going to go and take one.

McDookie and a Fan

2005-07-20T10:49:00.000-07:00

Yeah, Drew. Erin is cheering you on!

I Grieve

2005-07-19T20:40:00.000-07:00

There is a part of them that feels I shouldn't feel so much. I didn't know Laurie like others did so I feel I don't have the right to shed too many tears or grieve as others do. Yet, I think of Laurie often. Very often. I met some people when I was on vacation in Colorado and I was telling them I used to work in youth ministry. Laurie was the first think I thought of. For a moment I was taken away from the top of that hill and transported to my own little arena where sadness and anger collide. Could they see it on my face? That I wasn't there with them at all. I was somewhere else. Yet, I could say nothing. I couldn't say, and oh, by the way, when I was in ministry there was this amazing girl and recently she took her own life. None of us understand why.

And it hit me then, if I was in ministry and she was a part of my "flock" then why didn't I stay in better contact? I feel in some small part resonsible. I didn't care for her as I should have. I feel sad and frightened. If it happened to Laurie Boncimino it could happen to anyone. To me. To Curt. To Erin. Oh, how I would grieve then.

Laurie, I miss you. Today I saw a picture of you and Drew together and for an instant I thought it was recent. Like none of this had happened and you were still here. Hugging Drew and smiling so the whole world would brighten. But, then the next instance came and reality set in. The image I was seeing was not recent. It wasn't yesterday or the day before. And I cried. I miss you.